why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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