i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
