u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
