I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
