You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I puked a lego.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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