i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
