If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
