Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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