Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?