Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We had to coat check the pizza.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.