i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
