So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
