We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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