i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My ATM looks so different sober.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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