I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
