Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
