I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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