our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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