Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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