So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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