drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
