You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
