Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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