just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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