He uses pillows to masturbate.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
