My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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