benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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