How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
