Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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