sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
tell me about the eggs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
