i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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