He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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