i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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