I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
