Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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