Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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