Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
