youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
