does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
