There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
