you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
