Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
