it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
