Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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