i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
