Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
