quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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