I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
