You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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