so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
