Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
