She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
