The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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