i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
