My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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