stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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