Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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