im about as happy as oj after his trial
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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