First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
