all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
