before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
