fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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